Spiritual Medium

     Nothing has been routine for me since first line / second line treatments. You settle into an odd routine having chemotherapy. There is a continued disruption that becomes your life. You adapt to anguish and pain while in a self preservation mode. There is a repetitive habitual schedule with radiation. While you start feeling better, there is a daily disturbance of travel and reminder of what has happened to you that you never dreamed could. By the time you get home, you are left with little time to do other things. When that is over, keeping with recent tradition, there is a customary standard met with more tests, doctors appointments and new crisis which follow. You are kept busy with ordeals. This is your life. It’s been demanding and hectic. When it ends (or slows down), you don’t know how to proceed. WHAT do you DO NOW? What is your life? Nothing has settled into “normal” yet. The only normal I’ve known for 9 months is sickness and drama. Once I get this thyroid thing, cervical problem, joint and bone pains, and settle into a medication that works for me, taken care of, I can search for a new normal, with routine, balance and quality.
     It’s hard to find this new way to live life. You never forget you have cancer. You may have a day or two of enjoyment where you can toss it to the back of your mind, but you are always reminded one way or another, you are not normal anymore. Nothing is clear. In a split second I catch myself in the mirror on the way to the toilet, there’s a hazy distorted version of me, I see my hair growing back. I dream of a day when it will be restored to what it was (which will take a couple of years). Then I recall an article of a beautiful woman with two small children. She fought breast cancer. Four years after she had been diagnosed and treated, her hair restored, she’d passed. I wonder to myself, by the time I’m satisfied with the length of my hair, will it be my time? In a split second all of that races through my mind. Because of a mirror. I needed to pee and I passed the damn mirror. Besides hardships on your body, it’s a burden of the mind. One that leaves you wondering every day “when will it get worse?” “What is going to happen?” “Am I wasting my time?” “What would be a better use of my time?” “Do I spend my time for me? Or do I spend it for others around me?” I tend to think I need to spend it for others, with a small dose of me time. Eventually, I will not be able to spend it for others. Which isn’t something one should think about only because they have cancer. Spending time with your family or people you care about, truly appreciating them, should be everyone’s first priority. Because you never know what tomorrow holds. No one does.
     For 2 weeks, I consciously held a pattern. I stayed off the computer, I spent most of my time with my daughter. I spent more time with my husband then I’ve spent in 9 months, which wasn’t much at all really but a heck of a lot more then strangers passing by like we’ve been. Sure there were a couple doctor appointments, but I’ll be dipped! There IS a life away from the computer. I spent more quality time with my daughter. My family. This is it. This iswhat I want. I’m going to find my way into a routine to incorporate the loves of my life.

Routine. Balance. Normal. Hopefully I’ll find it. Preferably one that with plenty of quality family time and rose smelling.

WHY do bad things happen?

Is it to punish us for something we did? 

I believe there are two main reasons bad things happen.  One is to teach us a lesson we need to learn before returning to our creator.  The other is free will given to each soul on earth.

God does not “punish” us. Meaning, He doesn’t “get even” with us for something bad or mischievous we may have done. For instance, I had a mean thought pertaining to my mother today, so now I went and had a car accident.  I don’t believe it works quite like that.   Sometimes bad things happen because of free will, where someone else causes something destructive to happen directly related to a choice of action they made. Sometimes, a seemingly negative thing happens because, He is giving us the opportunity to learn what we need to learn. Just like a mom has to let her toddler learn to walk. That toddler will fall many times before being able to do it well on her own. But mom stands there with her arms near that toddler in case she falls, so the fall won’t hurt quite as much. But the fall has to happen, till you learn. Sometimes God has to let us fall down and scrape our knees to learn a lesson. But he is right there to pick us up when we need support.

Sometimes, you need to look deeper into how your prayer was answered.

If you pray for more patients, he will present to you an opportunity to BE patient.

I guess sometimes this is when one could say, be careful what you wish for.

You need to look past the bad not only for what you can learn, but ask what good actually came of it? 

An example of this is… One day I was at my wits end.  I was working to begin a new career, after coming from a mass layoff.  We were in financial turmoil having trouble paying even the smallest of bills and I was desperately trying to make our mortgage payments.  I was, staring at the bills sprawled out on the floor among the bill collection notices (from when my husband was in the hospital succumbing to an infection that spread throughout his body) none of these bills were credit card bills (we don’t use them). So there I was, staring at these bills that had been taunting us for a couple of years, wondering which ones I would sacrifice this month and not pay.  Tears began streaming. I collapsed to my knees begging for God to help us.  Relentlessly begging over and over for resolution to this crisis. 

I finally pulled myself together, and began the day like the rest of my days.  From having a cup of coffee to getting my 6 year old ready for kindergarten and driving her to school.  To my complete dismay, I returned home 15 minutes later to my house burning down!  Guess I don’t have to stare at THAT stack of bills anymore. (I did go partially in to rescue my daughter’s birthday puppy. Stupid, but I did. One cat made it, but the other perished .)  Lucky that my daughter, husband or myself weren’t in the house sleeping!  That’s when I realized how important family really is.  Love over any possession.   I always knew it.  But this was the first time I can recall of FEELING it.

So I learned

1: Don’t drive your kids to school in your pajamas (especially on a 10 F degree day)

2: Be careful what you wish for

3: Love & Family (along with God) above all else is most important. Material things mean nothing.

We developed a close bond as a family following that fire. A couple of years goes by, and that bond starts to drift.  I began wishing we could have that closeness again.  And wondering how I can re create that.  Wondering.  But not Doing.

Now, going through cancer, I’m learning, not only to appreciate my family, but to TELL them how much I appreciate them and love them.

Why do bad things happen?  Sometimes we ask for help and receive it in mysterious ways. But need to learn to recognize it.  Sometimes, we go through life with blinders on and the “bad thing” is a message from our own burning bush loud enough for us to hear, a wake up call to take notice of a lesson we need to learn.  Sometimes bad things happen to someone, for someone else to be affected by it and learn.

Through out this cancer ordeal, believe it or not, I have NEVER ONCE asked “WHY ME”. Instead, I’ve been praying my butt off that I, and anyone around me, is learning exactly what I (we) are supposed to be learning. (Perhaps in hopes that the cancer will be over and done and I won’t have to deal with it or worry about it ever again.)

Even though some people hate hearing it, there is a reason for nearly everything.

Written 3/1708 – updated 11/30/08

During a meditation in 2006, I received some very unsettling words.  Words like, disease, two years, get healthy now.  I asked if I’d be around to see my daughter get married, and received back a “No”, which I promptly ignored.  I blew off these words as mind clutter and my own fears. Can’t happen to me. I been through enough already.  Little did I know, these words would come back and bite me right in the ass.

I knew at the end of Summer ’07 “something wasn’t right”. I could just FEEL it. I had a conversation with my mother, and near the end of it, I was in tears (and I don’t cry easily).  I refused to let the conversation come to a close with out her telling me that should something ever happen to me, she would take care of my family, putting my young daughter first. Which she reluctantly made.  Reluctantly, because no mother wants her child to be sick.

I made an appointment with my doctor for a routine exam & informed her of my newer ‘problems’. I needed further examination. I waited till the first of the new year for the surgery because I knew this would be BIG and we were getting much better insurance coverage the 1st of the year. Couple days before my “basement surgery” to remove a large polyp in January ’08, I had my mammogram at the same time as my blood tests for surgery. Which was an amazing celestial orchestration in itself.  I didn’t have an appointment, and they were currently out about 4 weeks or better, but the powers that be got me in for that mammogram that very day I was there.  “Something” prompted all the people involved to squeeze me in when normally they wouldn’t do that.  They even told me they don’t usually do that; But something encouraged them to do so.

The next day while healing from my surgery, I received a certified letter from the hospital that my mammogram had issues. (I’m not surprised. That was really the reason I wanted that appointment in the first place.) So back I went for a Needle Core Biopsy of the micro calcifications. One of the worst procedures I’ve ever had (and I’ve had my share of needle pokes and surgeries). I wouldn’t wish it on my enemy (Actually, I hope I don’t have any of those). They just kept telling me, “I know it’s uncomfortable, just hang in there”. Uncomfortable my ass. Later, I’d find out WHY it was so horrible….. For one, it felt like they were sucking all the veins out of my arm, back and chest through their quite large needle. I’m not sure what 10 gauge is, but it sure looked awful big to be sticking in someone that was awake. Later I discovered, it sent me through the roof because, they had traveled with the needle and suction way beyond the area they numbed. This was cold turkey surgery. I didn’t get any whisky or leather to bite on! (I know this because I later had another procedure done elsewhere and didn’t feel much. Because they kept NUMBING THE TISSUE deeper and deeper as far as they needed to get.) So if you or anyone you know needs to have a core biopsy, tell them, it’s YOUR BODY! TELL THEM TO STOP and NUMB IT DEEPER if you are feeling it!

In any event, a few days later, my doctor called me and said “you have nothing to worry about. It’s only PRE cancer. NOT cancer. Make an appointment in a week or two.” She stressed the words PRE and NOT.  The following week I go in and she tells me, make an appointment with a surgeon and she’ll remove the rest of that spot that the biopsy didn’t get. Hmmmm – I request a copy of my pathology report and take it home. I start researching the terminology on it. Especially the second page, of which the secretary never gave to the doctor … and found out… this isn’t PRE cancer. This IS CANCER. And the worst of this kind as far as grade and aggressiveness. After one mess up after another from the secretary / hospital etc… I decided to not mess around and go to the best hospital I could…

…Where, they moved at quite the pace to figure out exactly what is going on. Yes, it is breast cancer. Ductal Carcinoma In Situ = DCIS. High Grade Carcinoma / Comedo type.  what else? It’s all over the lymph nodes too. Had my surgery to remove the DCIS and she took out the lymph nodes under my arm. They don’t look good.

…..

Which brings us to today. I’m still sitting here with a drainage tube. I’m not sure if the pain is getting any less, or if I’m getting used to it.

Oh, and I failed to mention, my husband’s place of business is shutting down. He’s out of a job and we’ll be out of insurance quite soon. The office seems to still all be in tact…. Funny, along comes the good insurance after all these years of crappy insurance… and now we only get 4 months to use it. That seems a bit premeditated. Or is it just me? Yes, COBRA is a great policy, but when you struggle as it is, can barely pay your mortgage (when you are half done paying the loan off) $1,300 a month for family insurance coverage, isn’t even a possibility.

Through all of this, the hospital I’m traveling to has been absolutely fantastic. They are moving fast as possible to get me where I need to be, before the shit hits the fan in our wallets.

And I keep thinking, had I not gone to this other hospital… the one near my home would have taken out the rest of the first tumor. Never seeing everything else going on in my body. I could have passed on by this summer.

Considering my first doctor said “ONLY pre-cancer” and nothing to worry about in the first doctor’s eyes, Perhaps I should look into my “over active cells” comment my initial doctor made about my basement surgery pathology report in January. . Wonder how many pages were missing from that report…..

Research Hospitals and always, ALWAYS, get a second opinion!!!

The original words from my meditation came flooding back.  I franticly searched for my notes.  I found them.  I did in fact receive a warning.  Disease (cancer) two years (2006 warning, diagnosed in 2008), get healthy now…. Is still open to interpretation.  Perhaps this means if I do all that I can, I will still hang around here a while yet.  Sometimes you must rely on God.  Sometimes you have to exercise the free will he gave us.  I’m going to do both.  And what about the unseen celestial forces that orchestrated an appointment for me out of seemingly thin air?  If I had not gotten that appointment, what would have happened?  Perhaps that goes back to “get healthy now”. Had I had to wait, how long would I have put it off?  It most certainly would have been an even worse scenario.